horacethecorgi

i wore my love for you with pride everybody asked and i showed it held it in my hands, softly and sweet let it grow, grow, grow until it covered me like ivy green and heavy smothering and still i longed for more wanted to have you next to me to hold your hand and touch your face i wished to be your forever so my love grew, grew, grew it stretched to everything i touched swallowed every other feeling until every fracture inside of me was gone and now i wonder how i'm going to pull out all of the roots if i will ever get all of you out of me

at 3 am, i lay on the floor with my arms stretched out, fingertips nearly touching the wall. there's something rattling in my chest and clawing up my throat. i don't understand this feeling and interpret it as being restless, too much energy in a body that is the epitome of sloth. i jiggle my foot and extend my arms further. the pain is nothing if i can extinguish this feeling. my fingertips reach and reach until my shirt is rucked up to my ribs, until the wall can be touched. it's cool and i stretch again, hoping to press my palms against it. my heart thuds in my ears and my ribs, my back, every inch of me screams along with it. i do not

did i honestly think that it would get better? was i that much of a fucking idiot? it's laughable, really, when i look back on it.

i had a dream that i was happy and that i smiled. i laughed and i didn't cry. there was no walking passed that gun case, no promise to myself that this time was the time. then i woke up and i cried.

you don't want to know and please, don't look at me like that. i'm trying to save you, from pain and anger and yes, maybe i'm also saving myself from the shame of having to tell you that i fucked up again, that i really put my foot in it.

today i slept in late and when i woke up, more than half the day was gone. i tried to conquer what was left, to be productive, and only managed to pretend i was doing something good. the rest of the day passed by in a blur of no, no, no and by the time the morning rolled around, i had made up my mind. i went to throw something away and, on my way back, i stopped at the gun case. soon, i thought, soon.